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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within
a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult
to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the
problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this
species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter
over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and
"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result
from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but
what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up
with the five hundred bucks."
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got
a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to
help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with
you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets
it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you
ready?".
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"
The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey
overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it
all bitch."
A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't
afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I
can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He
goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which
are out of the farmer's price range.
Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive,
anything else?"
Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close
enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take
your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to
the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up
to and you'll get them pregnant."
Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the
next day."
So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to
put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back
later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So
the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one
twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're
just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times
each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the
rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out
of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the
back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his
trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large
bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I
can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers,
bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he
drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he
would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers
again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the
same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into
town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the
forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka
blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear
is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla
walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a
Liberace.
The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The
gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a
safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg
Times, sits down, and starts to read.
The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and
roars,
" Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the
ass?"
The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"
Warning - English Joke!
UK-US Translation Guide:
"Aussie" =
Australian
"Shag" = To have sex with
An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions
were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off,
and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog
humped the koala senseless.
"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag
myself. "
One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.
"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.
"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a
walk, love, while I shag this koala."
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the
road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car
in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the
doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I
think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the
back."
Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer:
This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it
going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of
shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at
farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog:
Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of
disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your
horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse,
how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of
shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at
farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat
you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
Farmer: (total look of
amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your
SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to
talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn,
licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him
first?"
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female
around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole
month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says,
"I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island
with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy
grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head.
He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and
she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and
wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and
grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!
They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"
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